Office Training Video: Sexual Harassment
by Red Witch
Summary: Keep in mind this is for an office that views sexual harassment not as a problem, but as one of the perks of the job.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is being sued. This was just a given in the office video series.**

 **Office Training Video: Sexual Harassment**

"Some of these office training videos you guys did are weird," Ray remarked as he sat in a chair eating popcorn in Krieger's lab. "Kind of glad I didn't do any."

"We did quite a few of them," Krieger said as he popped in the next video. "Shame we never got to show them to people."

"Krieger, a lot of people **died** in those videos," Ray gave him a look. "Nobody seeing them is a **good thing**."

"Well this one's a real winner," Krieger grinned as the video started to play.

"So who's the loser that had to do this one?" Ray quipped.

"You'll see," Krieger told him.

Next on screen came the title with Krieger's voiceover. _"What is this office's policy on sexual harassment?"_

"Oh this should be a good one," Ray snorted.

A shot of Pam at her desk was on screen. _"One of the many problems HR must deal with is sexual harassment. Usually perpetrated by Mr. Archer. It's my job to listen to the complaints and deal with them. Usually against Mr. Archer."_

 _"This office has a strict sexual harassment policy,"_ Pam went on. _"Which is completely ignored by Mr. Archer. And since his bitch of a mother runs the joint it's pretty unlikely he's gonna get tossed out on his ass anytime soon."_

 _"Let's face it, if you have tits and a vagina odds are Mr. Archer is going to hit on you,"_ Pam explained to the camera. _"Repeatedly. And odds are five to seven that you are going to want to hit Mr. Archer repeatedly."_

 _"Honestly nobody will think less of you if you sleep with Mr. Archer_ ," Pam went on. _"Hell almost every bitch in this office has slept with him including me! He's not that bad in the sack. Depends on how drunk he is."_

 _"And you want to get any satisfaction out of him you gotta hit the gas pedal so to speak. Honestly sometimes he doesn't try hard enough. Kind of like pushing rope."_

 _"If I have to be a hundred percent honest the best guy to hit on around here is Cyril believe it or not,"_ Pam went on. _"For starters the guy is hung like a freaking elephant. I'm serious. He tried to have a penis en-smallment because of the back pain but his health plan wouldn't cover it."_

"Interesting," Ray smirked.

 _"Oh and if you haven't seen the health insurance video yet, spoiler alert. It's not a good one so try not to get sick and die,"_ Pam added. _"Or get shot all the time like Brett."_

Pam went on. _"Back to Cyril. On top of being incredibly well hung he's a sex addict. So odds are all you have to do is throw the guy a bone and he'll throw a bone into you if you know what I mean."_

 _"Then again you don't have to settle for Cyril. If you're a heterosexual woman you pretty_ _much have the pick of almost any guy in this place,"_ Pam went on. _"Except for Ray. For obvious reasons. And if you feel like doing any experimentation my door is always open. Except when I close it. For obvious reasons."_

 _"I'm talking about inter office conflict mediation. And also masturbating when looking at porn. Or actual sex. Which I am actually pretty open to if you want to ride the Pam Train. Just don't be a douche about it."_

 _"Now if you're a guy and you're straight you actually have a pretty good shot with a few chicks in this office,"_ Pam explained. _"If you're weird and into choking people Cheryl's up for it. Give Scatterbrain Jane half a bottle and she'll do it right there in the break room. Any time. Trust me on this one."_

 _"For those guys that are gay, Ray is available. Very available. But be warned he has some commitment issues. Not as bad as Mr. Archer and half the people that work here but it's worth mentioning."_

 _"However I feel that I should also warn the guys coming here that if you're sploosh-worthy you'll probably get hit on by Ms. Archer,"_ Pam added. _"And that old bat will sleep with anyone and anything she can get her ice cold claws on. Seriously, she still thinks she's like attractive or something. Then again she's actually pretty good in the sack. Unlike her son at least she pays attention to details. That's all I'm gonna say."_

 _"I think you've said enough! Pam this isn't exactly what we meant by talking about_ _sexual harassment,"_ Lana told her as she walked into the office. She was carrying a purse that matched her outfit. _"This video is on how to prevent it. Not spread it around."_

 _"Oh. I always thought the sexual harassment was one of the perks of this dump,"_ Pam said.

 _"Now you're starting to sound like Archer,"_ Lana groaned.

 _"What about me?"_ Archer asked as he entered the office. _"Are you guys doing another one of those dumb training videos again?"_

 _"Yes, on sexual harassment,"_ Lana said.

 _"What are you going to warn people when Pam is in the room and feeling horny_?" Archer snorted.

 _"That's not what…"_ Lana began.

 _"Look I get you have to cover your bases in case some whiny women's lib representative shows up or something but these things are a waste of time,"_ Archer interrupted. _"I mean come on Lana! I get sexually harassed all the time but do you hear me complaining?"_

 _"You…get_ _ **sexually harassed**_ _?"_ Lana raised an eyebrow.

 _"I'm an extremely attractive man Lana,"_ Archer said. _"I can't help it if women throw themselves at me or want to sleep with me. Even though some of them say no at first I can pretty much tell they want me."_

 _"Really?"_ Lana's tone indicated she didn't believe him.

 _"Ugh you have no idea how much a burden it is to be sexually desirable Lana,"_ Archer waved. _"Especially when fat ugly people want to have sex with you. No offense Pam."_

 _"Kind of taking offense here,"_ Pam folded her arms.

 _"I didn't mean to imply you were ugly! Just fat_ ," Archer waved. _"And Lana no offense but you're not exactly in any position to turn down any offers for sex. You know? Since you've banged that loser Cyril and those Johnny Bench hands."_

 _"Pam if you don't mind I think I'll take over the rest of this video,"_ Lana said.

Lana looked at the camera. _"There are options for you when Archer harasses you. Which I'd like to demonstrate."_

 _"What? Like make a sex tape?"_ Archer blinked.

It was then Lana took a taser out of her purse. And promptly zapped Archer right in the groin.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"_ Archer screamed in agony and twitched violently before he fell to the ground.

 _"I usually find a good taser to the balls is an excellent way of getting your point across,"_ Lana said cheerfully.

 _"AAAAAHHHHH!"_ Archer moaned in agony on the floor.

 _"If you don't have a taser. Use your fist or…"_ Lana demonstrated with a stomp. _"Your feet!"_

 _"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"_ Archer wailed in agony. _"Your feet are just as bad as your hands! AAAHHH!"_

 _"That is effective all right,"_ Pam said.

 _"This concludes our training video on sexual harassment,"_ Lana smiled. Then she reached down off camera and used the taser again.

 _"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHGGGGHHH!"_ Archer was heard screaming off camera. _"My balls…My tender, tender balls…"_

 _"More like Kentucky Fried Balls,"_ Pam snorted.

"Can you make me a copy of this video?" Ray asked as he laughed.

"Are you kidding?" Krieger snorted. "I'm giving copies of this out for next Christmas."


End file.
